1. She isn’t funny - leave this job to the Billy Crystals and Ellens of the world - or whatever the MTV equivalent is.  A host has to be funny, often at the expense of some pretty big egos - egos that happen to be sitting in the front row.  A good comedian can pull this off, but I can just picture the groans when Alba starts poking fun at another actress.
2. She’s lacking in stage experience - Whoever hosts an award show usually has pretty strong stage experience.  I’m not thinking Alba does, because she started on the small screen as Dark Angel when she was pretty young.  It can call for comedy as well as newscaster-style announcing in front of an audience.  I can just hear the stumbling and akward silences now.
3. She’s distracting - Comedians and hosts are often goofy looking.  Jessica Alba isn’t.  Part of the idea is to lure in that lucrative young male demographic.  But you have to do something with those viewers once they are there.  Besides, building something around nothing but Alba’s looks was the point behind Into The Blue, which didn’t exactly break records at the box office.
4. She isn’t memorable - There.  I said it.  As bad as David Letterman’s hosting performance was, people still remember it.  Which is a sad irony, because buzz is likely the one thing MTV hopes to generate with this hosting assignment.  Try to remember one part of Fantastic Four that involved Alba not taking her clothes off.

I don’t want to be all negative about this.  Maybe the hosting slot will go great.  People will be wondering who the next hottie host will be.  I can just picture it now: The 2010 Emmy Awards, with your hosts, Gisele Bundchen and Heidi Klum.  Special Musical Guest: Shakira.

It could be worse.

Tags: Jessica Alba, MTV movie awards, MTV, award show, movies, entertainment,

But Paris has reportedly won an “Ugly” (as in ugly advertising) award for her work in a burger ad.  I’m not sure how that was ugly.  It just shows that she was hungry, if not for burgers, for publicity.  As for her looks?  Well, you decide.

Tags: Paris Hilton, advertising, Lost, Dominic Monaghan,

Here’s the latest list of her triumphs over death and defeat:

1. She narrowly escaped electrocution - Seriously.  Well, it isn’t like she was saving children in the process.  She apparently just about fried herself while drunk during a party.
2. Lose a very expensive car in a poker game - then got a chance to win it back.
3. Win tons of endorsements and photo shoots - in spite of a report that she may actually damage a product’s chances.

How Paris Hilton does this is a mystery for all to behold and wonder.  But she’s not out of the woods, yet.  She’s now being accused in an underage booze scandal.  Somehow, I think the Heiress is going to handle that ok as well.

Tags: paris hilton, celebrity

But the saying goes, where there’s a market, there’s a licensing agreement, so Paris has jumped in.  And who can blame her?  She probably needs the money after allegedly losing a ($178,000) car in a poker game.  So at least one charitable group has come forward to try an help her in her plight.

But as people are trying their best to help her, there will be those with less noble motives for the woman picked to play Mother Teresa.  Blogcritics make a good point when it says, “mod makers will be hard at work trying to create a disrobing technique for these titles.”  I’m not sure if there’s an over/under line on what date that mod will be complete, but I think I’d take the “under.”

Tags: Paris hilton, poker, cell phone, mobile device, video game, cellphone, games,

But when an icon dies, all that happens and more. People gather for a candlelight vigil. The Biography channel races to do a show on that person’s life. News specials, movie and CD compilations are marketed and tell-all books are released (not to mention the inevitable bio-pic). But NEVER in this whole process does anybody die.

Unless you live in India, that is.

Maybe someone from India can explain this to me, but why would people torch busses, throw rocks, and cause mass hysteria because an actor died? Trust me, if Jack Nicolson and Robert DeNiro kicked the bucket on the same day, not so much as one car would be torched.

There is hope for India though. The US has set a fine example that Indian actor Salman Kahn has chosen to follow. You see, in the US, the fans aren’t supposed to commit the crimes - crime is a job best left to the celebrities themselves.

Tags: Bollywood, Salman Kahn, India, movie, death, celebrity, mourn

Apparently, in Playboy’s relentless quest for the callipygian ideal, they snagged a promo shot of a bikini-clad Jessica Alba from Into the Blue and dropped it on the cover of the March issue.

For some reason, Jessica - and likely millions of male readers - thought that she just might be wearing less than that bikini inside.  She was upset and fought back.  But Hef made nice by writing her a letter of apology and donating to two of Alba’s charities, Keep A Child Alive and Until There’s A Cure.

Getting back to that letter, exactly how does one write something like that?  Here’s my shot at it: “Dear Ms. Alba, I’m really sorry for snagging a photo of you and putting you on the cover without permission and implying that you just might be inside the issue and have agreed to the whole affair.  I really wouldn’t have done it if you just weren’t so darn hot, thus causing me to sell millions of copies.  Love, Hef”

Oh, I really don’t think a career in PR is in my future.

There’s no word on any legal action from the millions of men who may have felt misled by the cover.  In related news, Celebrity Wonk has a photo gallery of Jessica Alba, for all interested in further research on this topic.

Tags: Jessica Alba, Hugh Hefner, Playboy

Dear Celebrity,

Please reconsider your upcoming plastic surgery for the following reason(s):

• You’ve started to resemble the drag queens that imitate you.
• People are posting parody photos of you on Fark - unedited.
• You landed the lead in Transamerica 2, only because makeup costs would be so low.
• Your makeup routine includes items found at The Home Depot.
• Joan Rivers is jealous of you.
• The work “alien” has been used to describe your look.
• Your plastic surgeon just named the new wing in his office after you.
• People pass you on the street and say “Was that Michael Jackson?”
• The stitches from your last surgery haven’t been removed yet.
• Other: _________________________

You get the idea.  Sometimes too much is enough.  Age gracefully - and that includes men.  Or at least wait until medical advances won’t leave you looking like you came from Roswell.

Sincerely,

Celebrity Wonk and

(your name here)

Tags: Fergie, Black Eyed Peas, surgery, plastic surgery, celebrity, entertainment,

“I won’t let this woman get away.”

1. The villain in Kiss The Girls.
2. Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct.
3. Tom Cruise on Katie Holmes

Find the answer here. 

Note: The quote may have been translated from German.  But it still creeped me out.

Tags: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

Tags: Paris Hilton, Thee 6 Mafia, Britney Spears, Arrested Development, Pimp, Lawyer, court, lawsuit