When you buy a car, it isn’t news.  Heck, when a rock star or a rapper buys a car and has rims that cost more than my house put on it, it isn’t news.  But when Paris Hilton buys a car, it’s news.  Big news.  The Princess of Branding just bought a $450,000 car, and that, my friend, is news.

It goes a reported 208 mph, which might make her a bit hard to catch, but don’t worry, you will soon be able to track her location on the internet.  It’s like LoJack for celebrities.  I’m simultaneously repulsed by such an invasion of privacy and angry that I hadn’t thought of it first.

No word if she will wash it while wearing a bikini and eating a cheeseburger.

The Oscars are still fresh in my mind.  This year’s lot was a little different than previous ones.  It was missing a real blockbuster, a Titanic that stood out from the lesser known films.  In fact, this year’s surprise winner, Crash was highlighted on ABC News, specifically because it almost didn’t get made.

That led me to wonder, why in the world did a movie that won an Oscar - not to mention the best picture award - almost not get made, when real crap like Yours, Mine and Ours and House of Wax managed to get the studio green light?

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Well, the votes are in, and I didn’t do too bad.  Of course, I had this pegged as the gayest awards show ever.  That’s right, even gayer than when Hugh Jackman hosted the Tony awards. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Don’t get me wrong, I like U2.  I’ve even spent the hundred bucks to go see them myself - and that was the cheap seats.  But Bono sometimes seems to be so eager for the camera (or visa versa) that strange things can come out of his mouth.

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Sometimes things just go from bad to worse.  First, a major hurricane upends your life, and then Britney Spears stops by for a visit.

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Early spring is a wonderful time of year.  The snow is melting, flowers are starting to bloom, ten-thousand dollar designer dresses are being sewn and limos are getting detailed.  That’s right, it’s not only the time when the entire Northern Hemisphere awakens in a annual celebration of life, it’s Oscar time, baby.

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Why is American Idol taking the gold and leaving NBC with a 600 million dollar silver?

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It’s comforting to know that women are attached to the sullen charm exuded by the character Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything.  Enough so that it’s worthy of a column in the Washington Post over 15 years after the movie came out.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the character was played by John Cusack, who’s movie star looks also landed him the lead in America’s Sweethearts, where he played the tall, dark and handsome movie star he is, rather than a misunderstood teen.  It could be easily dismissed as fantasy.  But I’ve also noticed several celebrities who bear more resembelance to Lloyd and less to Cusack.

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Well, here it comes: a breakup report for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has happened, and they haven’t even had a kid yet.  I honestly don’t think anyone thought they ever were a real couple, but they have followed the classic pattern of breakups.

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1. I always thought that Natalie Portman would look just like Sinéad O’Connor if she only shaved her head.  Why I think about things like that is beyond me.  Now I get to find out if I’m right.
2. Americans in Paris:  Will Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt end up neighbors to Johnny Depp?  They sure seem to be the happy couple there.
3. Her boots were made for walkin’, but are here $160 open toe shoes made for selling?  Jessica Simpson has gone from acne-prone B-list teen singer to an upscale brand.
4. You can’t make this stuff up: Someone wants Paris Hilton to play Mother Teresa.  You can’t accuse them of type casting.
5. Instead of, “May I see your license and registration?” it will be “don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry.”  The Hulk gets a badge.
6. Scott Stapp outdoes Britney in the Redneck with Money competition by gettting married and arrested in the same day.