John Lovitz beat the crap out of Andy Dick.  Best news all day.

Paris Hilton has made a career of doing the impossible.  For starters, she took a poorly shot home video and turned it into a career.  Let’s see you pull that off.  Granted, she had the advantage of being born filthy rich, but I don’t see any other rich kids handling adversity the way Paris does.  She escapes problems that are largely her own making, and does it with style.

Here’s the latest list of her triumphs over death and defeat:

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Think you’ve had enough of Paris Hilton?  Oh, no you haven’t.  The Princess of Branding has now licensed her image to go on a line of mobile video games.  The Department of Irony must note that the same woman who had her cellphone hacked into is now hawking software to run on them.  No word if the images will be grainy green night-cam type images or nice ones like we have in our Paris Hilton Gallery.

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When a celebrity dies, a variety of things happen, depending on what list the celebrity was on. For a low level celeb - say Chris Farley - the news will run a brief report, perhaps with bullet points about his career. When a bigger celeb dies, more happens, a longer news report and maybe a basic cable station runs their marathon of that person’s movies.

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Is there such a thing as too much plastic surgery?  I think so, and I think I have a few questions celebrities might want to ask themselves before embarking on that next trip to the doctor, inspired by this photo of Fergie over on A Socialite’s Life.  I’ve created it as a form letter, for ease of use.  Just circle any appropriate items and send to a celebrity you care about.  Think of it as a public service.

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Where did this quote come from?

“I won’t let this woman get away.”

1. The villain in Kiss The Girls.
2. Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct.
3. Tom Cruise on Katie Holmes

Find the answer here. 

Note: The quote may have been translated from German.  But it still creeped me out.

There’s times when I just don’t know what to say.  Apparently Tom Cruise recently reenacted his Oprah couch jumping scene.  I’m not sure what part of the brain sends out the “dude, that was stupid, don’t do that again” signal, but Tom’s has been disrupted.

Then again, given the box office that War of the Worlds drew, maybe Tom thought he would go to the well once more to promote Mission Impossible: 3 and Thank You For Smoking.  Maybe it’s true love?  Maybe Katie Holmes has Tom Cruise in such a fit that no couch or chair should rest easy? I don’t want to sound cynical, but I’ve been there, and no furniture was harmed.

This also will simultaneously fuel and diminish rumors that Tom and Katie have split.

Think you can beat my comments in 50 words or less?  A Socialite’s Life has a boffo caption contest featuring TomKat this week.  Enjoy…

1. Pete Doherty, who I’ve never heard of, pleaded guilty to drug charges, then kicked a reporter.  What happened to the good old days, when rockers would just overdose and be done with it?  Well, just because he hasn’t, doesn’t mean he’s not trying…
2. Is it because she’s hot?  Grown woman has an affair with a 14-year-old and then walks free.  No reporters were kicked.  I just hope Entertainment Tonight doesn’t turn child molestation into celebrity this time.
3. Lesson in delayed gratification: A football players brother adds 4 1/2 years to his jail sentence because he didn’t report for jail.  Why was he late?  He wanted to see his brother play in the Super Bowl.  Oh, and the after-party with Snoop-Dogg.  What would you take in exchange for 54 months in prison?
4. Most celebrities really clean up their look to impress a court.  You know, little things, like combing.  Not Phill Spector. (See photo with story)
5. How is this news?  Sharon Stone says, “It’s pretty easy for me to be naked.”  Are you sure, Sharon?  I mean all of your roles so far, are well…  Darn, she sprained the part of my brain that does sarcasm.
6. Jessica Alba: Not nude for nobody, no way, no how.  Maybe she should steal the role for Mother Teresa from Paris Hilton?

Real celebrities are born in the theater.  It doesn’t matter if it’s Angelina Jolie or Greta Garbo, those who find fame on the big screen are larger than life.  Think about it.  People knew who George Clooney was from ER, but it wasn’t until his movies captured our attention that he became a star.  There just aren’t any A-Listers who are exclusive to the small screen.

Yet theaters are losing more and more viewers.  At the Oscars, DVDs were dissed, and there’s a general sense of panic in the air in Hollywood.  If studio owners are serious about getting me out to the theater more often, here are a few things that might help…

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I love getting comments on the site.  Every once in a while once just stands out, so I thought I’d post it here, where I could mock it in a more prominent spot…

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