Paris Hilton’s Stolen Stuff

Well, the news is out there: someone stole some of Paris Hilton’s sizeable stash of stuff.   But the real lesson for all of us is this: if you steal a celebrity’s stuff, don’t call a national newspaper to brag about it.

The National Enquirer reportedly was called by the alleged thieves when they tried to offer Paris’ items for sale to the tabloid.  To their credit, the Enquirer declined the opportunity to take possession of (allegedly) stolen goods.  I’m not sure how one even gets the guts to make such a call, but I imagine it going down like this:

Stupid (alleged) Thief: Um, hello?  Is this the National Enquirer?

NE Staffer: Yes, how can I help you?

Stupid (alleged) Thief: I have some Paris Hilton stuff.

NE Staffer: Really?  Cool!  Did you spot her in a drunken brawl with Lindsay?  Did she steal Nick away from Jessica?  Do tell!

Stupid (alleged) Thief: Um, no.  I like actually have her stuff.  Lots of it.

NE Staffer: You mean actual physical objects?

Stupid (alleged) Thief: Yea, like pictures and even furniture and stuff!  How much you wanna pay?

NE Staffer: How the heck did you get Paris Hilton’s furniture?

Stupid (alleged) Thief: I stole it.

NE Staffer: You what?!?

Stupid (alleged) Thief:  Um, yea, um I mean I like got it for a steal.  At, um an, um what that word…. You know like eBay only it’s like in real life?

NE Staffer:  An auction?

Stupid (alleged) Thief: Yea! That’s it!  So how much you gonna pay?

NE Staffer:  What’s your name and number?

Stupid (alleged) Thief:  Um.  Uh.  I like all nervous now.

NE Staffer: You should be.

(click!)

In an impressive display of stupidity bravado, someone with the amazingly clever cover identity of “celebrity photo agent” surfaced to try it again.

Of course, that leaves me wondering what I should do with the lovely sectional sofa I heisted from Lyle Lovett.  Did I say heisted?  I meant to say “got at an auction.”  I guess there’s always eBay.

UPDATE:  Apparently this isn’t the same kind of greasy hackers who found their way into Paris’ Sidekick.  Well, maybe it was, but the it doesn’t look like the stuff is with the people how “found” it.  Paris’ lost or stolen items have found their way into the hands of someone who wants millions of dollars for them.  No matter what happens to Paris Hilton’s goods, it looks like the lawyers are going to be the ones who end up winning this fight.