John Lovitz beat the crap out of Andy Dick.  Best news all day.

This just in: Jessica Alba has been chosen to host the MTV Movie Awards.  This is a strange precedent to say the least.  She’s hardly the typical host, and I’m pretty certain she will do a terrible job.  Here’s why:

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Paris Hilton has been called a lot of things.  For example, Lost star  Dominic Monaghan says she’s - how do I sum this up - hungry for publicity.  Talk about stating the obvious.  But the former hobbit didn’t rail on her looks (like a guy who can play a hobbit has anything to say about what’s ugly).

But Paris has reportedly won an “Ugly” (as in ugly advertising) award for her work in a burger ad.  I’m not sure how that was ugly.  It just shows that she was hungry, if not for burgers, for publicity.  As for her looks?  Well, you decide.

Paris Hilton has made a career of doing the impossible.  For starters, she took a poorly shot home video and turned it into a career.  Let’s see you pull that off.  Granted, she had the advantage of being born filthy rich, but I don’t see any other rich kids handling adversity the way Paris does.  She escapes problems that are largely her own making, and does it with style.

Here’s the latest list of her triumphs over death and defeat:

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Think you’ve had enough of Paris Hilton?  Oh, no you haven’t.  The Princess of Branding has now licensed her image to go on a line of mobile video games.  The Department of Irony must note that the same woman who had her cellphone hacked into is now hawking software to run on them.  No word if the images will be grainy green night-cam type images or nice ones like we have in our Paris Hilton Gallery.

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When a celebrity dies, a variety of things happen, depending on what list the celebrity was on. For a low level celeb - say Chris Farley - the news will run a brief report, perhaps with bullet points about his career. When a bigger celeb dies, more happens, a longer news report and maybe a basic cable station runs their marathon of that person’s movies.

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Hugh Hefner sure does have a way with the ladies.  He’s apparently gotten Jessica Alba to drop her demand that Playboy stop it’s March issue.

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Is there such a thing as too much plastic surgery?  I think so, and I think I have a few questions celebrities might want to ask themselves before embarking on that next trip to the doctor, inspired by this photo of Fergie over on A Socialite’s Life.  I’ve created it as a form letter, for ease of use.  Just circle any appropriate items and send to a celebrity you care about.  Think of it as a public service.

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Where did this quote come from?

“I won’t let this woman get away.”

1. The villain in Kiss The Girls.
2. Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct.
3. Tom Cruise on Katie Holmes

Find the answer here. 

Note: The quote may have been translated from German.  But it still creeped me out.

1. It’s gettin’ hard out there for an Heiress:  Three 6 Mafia is reportedly recording with Paris Hilton.  Paris Hilton also up for a movie role as Mother Teresa (see number six).  No comments on what role she’s better suited for…
2. Someone recently called me a “Communist” because I don’t watch American Idol.  I think that was pretty harsh.  It’s not that I don’t like Idol.  It’s just that I’m so busy building statues of Lenin and organizing worker’s rallies and whatnot.  Thank goodness they watched so I didn’t have to.  I don’t want to give it away, but there was a big surprise on this show.  Apparently one of the karaoke singers was voted off!
3. Britney Sues: It’s getting hard out there for a South Korean pop star.  Well, at least for one who allegedly “partially plagiarized” a Britney Spears song that I’ve never heard.
4. Britney Gets Sued: In the same story, Britney getting sued for allegedly not paying people who worked for her.  That’s boring.
5. What’s not Boring:  The alleged sex tape case for Britney and Kevin is still on hold.  It seems that such a tape is mandatory publicity for any non-A-List or faded star.  Sigh.
6. People who understand this show are too busy having a life to sit around watching television: Arrested Development may be gone forever.